Today I drove my youngest son to school for the last time. At the end of the summer he is off to college. That’s it—I’m hanging up this portion of parenting—the job of carpooling, coordinating schedules so that everybody gets where they need to be and has a car or ride to get there is over.
On one hand, I’m so ready to have him move on: I am ready to stop nagging over the mountain of clothes that seems to grow bigger each day; to stop fussing over how late he can stay out and what chores he needs to do before he can go out; to not be negotiating over all the details of a teenage life.
Lately, we have come to an agreement to let the small stuff go. We both know very soon we will not have these daily dramas to distract us from the real love we share with each other. I feel my heart starting to move to that place already.
Just as I had to grieve the loss of the goofy, theatrical young boy when he became a teen, I now have to grieve the loss of the wily, complicated teen as he steps into the first phase of moving out of the nest towards independence. I know that when he returns, temporarily, he will be someone to get to know all over again.
I hope he has enough discipline to do what he needs to do to be successful, tools in his toolbox to navigate whatever challenges come his way, despite the multitude of seductive distractions a freshman at college faces. And if he doesn’t, well, he’ll learn what he needs to about that; I won’t be there to do it for him anymore, and that’s a really good thing.
Letting go of the life that was, and is never to be again, is so hard. If I could have it to do over again, boy, would I be wiser. But I don’t, and I need to accept that I gave it my best, and the times I fell short, to forgive myself. Then I will be able to be present with what is happening right now.
One of the things I would have done differently was to be less future focused and more present in the days when he and his brother were young. What I can learn from that and through meditation is to aspire to be as present as I can right now, so I don’t miss this current phase. After all, that is all we ever have—right here, right now.
“Feel the aliveness in your body. That anchors you in the Now.”
Eckhart Tolle
And right now, it’s time to help him pack for his first big journey away from home. I want to stick extra trust, faith and love in those bags—that’s my job now.
Everything changes, that’s the way it is
Yet what is real remains the same
Everything changes, so best to let go
And become part of the change.
D Ingram
Our youngest child is now 21 year old Laura, newly graduated from college. After childhood in our home in quiet Somers she went to college in SUNY Geneseo – another small town sort of place. This week she accepted employment in Hoboken NJ and for the first time in her life she’ll be a city girl, and I’m on edge. I know just what you are talking about. I worry. Then this morning as I drove past the Brewster Railroad station I saw an early 20ish blind girl making her way to the commuter train. She had to get across a busy route 6, then onto a train, and presumably into NYC for a job. Wow! I asked myself, if she were mine how much I’d worry! My daughter has sight, and some other assets. I hope to learn. I must not worry. I must be confident and expect good things to happen. Such expectations will translate into better images for my daughter. Self fulfilling prophecy at work may be a very good thing. I must successfully turn this corner. I must abandon negative ideas about things in store for my daughter as her future career and her new life in a big city begin to unfold.
My daughter Katie is also freshly graduated from college. I certainly identify with the changes that have been shared in the blog. I find that the more I feel centered within myself the more I can deal with life’s bumps. Katie is a very independent person who knows what she wants. However, now that she’s living at home (looking for work), both my wife and I treat her as though she was a small child again (old habits die slowly). The key for me is to give her as much “space” as she needs to make her own decisions. Our goal as parents has been to build a strong foundation for her to build upon. I’ve had to let go of many expectations for Katie that I may have thought about at one time or another. I try and stay in the present moment when my mind goes off on some tangent of the future or a past experience. I find alot of these thoughts are all fear based and are not good for making any “real” decisions.
I know my daughter will be fine. The key for me is to ultimately live with the awareness in the present moment full of happiness and light . Then when changes come, I’ll be ready to act spontaneously from the heart.
Thank you Dave and Owen for your insightful comments about our children growing up and leaving home. Boy what I would have given for a father as grounded and able to see the larger vision as you, too. I’m sure your daughters are reaping the benefits of growing up with your love, support and belief in them. Thanks for sharing.